Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
