he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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