Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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