I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
