I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
