2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
