hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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