we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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