Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
