you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
