Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
