I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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