the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize