I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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