did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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