I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
