I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
