speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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