I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
