I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
