scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
