i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My vagina is very pro this idea
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
