I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
