I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
