dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
