after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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