I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
