there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The beer is more important than you right now.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
