Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
