What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
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i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened