How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.