Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
