Four minutes until I can fart!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
