his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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