dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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