i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
