I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
