Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
