apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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