A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
