Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
