I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
