He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
