just tell him i said nine months
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
