Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
