shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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