drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
