its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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