Someone shit on the floor
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
