Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
