So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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