Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
