wrigley field is MILF paradise
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
