You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
