JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm both gender and math confused
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
