I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
