I looked at my own cervix.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
