I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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