Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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