I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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